My dog, my life, my love…passed.
I’ve been struggling with how I was going to be able to move forward, to sleep in my house again, to go about my life without him in it because he is forever on my mind. When I saw the sun still shinning this afternoon on my way home from work, I thought, “oh, I’ll walk Bagel.” When I took out the loaf of bread for dinner, I looked around for his begging face. When I turned on the disposal and washed dishes, I waited to hear the lap of the doggie door that he always went through in avoidance of this wretched noise. I looked for him in all of his usual spots around the house–under the desk, in his chair, outside on the porch. Then cold reality hit again and again.
His spirit still lingers but you can’t kiss or hug or snuggle a spirit. I have been receiving so many comforting words like “Those you truly love, never leave you” but how do you hold that? I need something tangible. I need his soft fur to bury my face in. I need his cold nose to rub against my fingers. I need to feel his licks. I need to hear the jingling of his tags, see the wagging of his tail, and watch him run and prance around the house.
I have lost a dog before. I know it takes time. I also know that no measure of time replaces that gaping hole in your heart after you have lost something you love. I know I’ll be able to think of him without crying someday. I know that I’ll remember the life he led and not just the past two months.
I know it gets easier.
That’s when you want to speed up the process. That’s when you want time to fly. When he was here all I wanted was to have one more moment with him and now I just want the time to pass quickly and the stages of grief to get on with it.
Each day there is something new to get used to. Last night it was the first night he wasn’t here. This morning was the first morning he wasn’t here. This afternoon was the first afternoon he wasn’t home to greet me. Tonight is the first night he won’t be sleeping by my side. I think that’s what I am missing the most right now. I’m missing our evening routine where he gets his treat (in bed, of course, because he was a prince), snuggles in next to my side while I read my book, then the “goodnight, lovie” and lights out.
I know there are more words and maybe with time they will come but for now all I have is: I miss you, Bagel. I love you more than life itself. I will forever be grateful for the happiness you brought me everyday of your life. Your mother loves you.