This week was a busy one and when I had some time to reflect I thought about living. I thought about all of the living I have been doing for the past four months.
It is amazing to think that my soul had lain dormant for close to ten years-since I set foot in this new and unfamiliar place. For ten years I cursed the place I lived, blaming it for all of my unhappiness. But four months ago, as in Spring, my cold soul was awakened and I was ready for a new outlook on life.
For the past four months I have thought only of today. Yes, of course I’ve made plans for the future, but the immediate future, as in tickets to a concert or a show a month or two in advance.
I feel the need to clarify that until four months ago I planned for a life I would lead a year, five years, ten years from now. When I finally realized that prolonging my happiness for when I was in a better living situation, a better social situation, or a better financial situation was hazardous to my mental health; after this realization is when I did start to have a better living situation, a better social situation, and a better financial situation.
You see, four months ago my plans for happiness were uprooted because a partner I thought would be there for the rest of my life, left me. With this departure, my plans for a new career and social life departed as well. I realized that it was no longer the place that made your heart soar, nor the place that made your heart ache. It was me that did that. I realized that I now held that power in my hand and I was tired of not utilizing it for my own well-being.
With this new found power, I started to forge new friendships, understanding that they would take time to develop into the friendships I had already established. I looked at my surroundings and decided that it was time to start exploring this untapped resource right in my backyard. Since then I have patronized local eateries, art galleries, ballets, concerts, and more… I feel as though I am able to give back to the world I inhabit. In seeking my path to happiness, I feel I have helped others whether it has been through my generosity or simply my live-for-today attitude. With each new experience I do just that, I experience it to the fullest extent. Some experiences have proved better than others, but I understand that it what living is: adding to my emotional toolbox.
Since this realization, I feel better inside. I sleep better at night. I work harder at my job during the day. I laugh more often with my friends. I love more deeply and profoundly. I have learned how to truly appreciate the life I am currently leading and not look ahead toward a life I will lead.
The clarity of mind this realization has provided me is food for my soul and I am finally hungry.